Advice & Information to Help you through the Healing Process

Identifying hidden shame and replacing it with reality

A good support person will readily tell you that the sexual abuse was not your fault.  A great support person will tell you why it was not your fault.

If you start to gain an understanding of why you were not to blame, that understanding often begins to replace the false beliefs that you carry around, and which sometimes feels like too much heavy baggage.

Your sense of shame gradually goes away, and you start to realise, and truly believe, that you really were not to blame.

Below we have shown some of the thoughts that can identify ‘hidden shame’, reasons why we blame ourselves.   For each of these thoughts, we have put statements which show the ‘reality’, what the real truth is, and this shows you why it was not your fault.

 

Hidden Shame

Reality

It was really my fault because of the way I looked and the way I dressed.

It was not my fault because children dress according to their parents' wishes. Children are not provocative. It was not an appropriate way to view me.

It was really my fault because I accepted favours, which makes me feel guilty.

It was not my fault because I accepted favours.  As a child I needed 'goodies' but these goodies or favours made the abuser feel powerful.

It was really my fault because it was my punishment for misbehaving.

It was not my fault because he was more powerful than I was. The abuse was not punishing me for misbehaviour, but it was about him satisfying his own needs.

It was really my fault because it is part of being a woman, a woman's lot.

It was not my fault because I was a child not a woman, being abused is not part of being female.

It was really my fault because I found physical pleasure in sexual contact.

It was not my fault because my body responded as it is supposed to. It is natural when my body is stimulated to be sexually aroused, it does not mean that I liked the abuse. I hated it. It left me feeling dirty and unclean and used, but I am none of these things.

It was my fault because I did not say No.

It was not my fault because I was not taught how to say no.  And who would have listened to me if I had said no?

It was my fault because I did not tell someone.

It was not my fault, I did not tell because I was scared that I would not be believed.  I was scared of what would happen if I told, I feared physical abuse or being put into care, and I feared how people would treat me after I told.

It was my fault because I was inviting the abuse by not being clear about what I wanted.

It was not my fault because I did not ask for the abuse.  It was the responsibility of the adult to know it was not right, not the responsibility of the child.

It was my fault because I needed attention.

It was not my fault because I needed attention, every child needs attention.  I had a normal need to be cuddled, to have affection, care and attention.

It was my fault because I was weak, useless and worthless.

It was not my fault, because it is normal for a child to be weak compared to adults.  That does not mean that I was useless and worthless.